Obituary for the GOP
WASHINGTON – The Republican Party Dies of AIDS (Acquired Infatuation with the Death-style of Sodomy).
After a long and painful struggle with a growing infestation of life-draining rectal tumors (including Mitch McConnell and Mitt Romney), the American political party founded by Abraham Lincoln – America’s best hope for overthrowing the Marxist oligarchy that stole the White House in 2020 – finally succumbed on Dec. 14, 2022. Its last act was to vote in favor of “The Defilement of Marriage Act,” which marked the completion of its long transition from “Grand Old Party” to “Gays’ Other Party,” a dark milestone that was celebrated with a “coming out” party at Mar-a-Lago, hosted by Donald Trump, with celebrity special guest Kari Lake in attendance.
The message to the world was two-fold. First, that the Republican Party was actually not dead, but “more alive than ever by allowing its true self to emerge after many years of socially-induced self-loathing as the consequence of repressive biblical morality.” Second, that Trump’s MAGA movement, still rising as a contender for the controlling power in the GOP, would “no longer be constrained by Christian bigotry and homophobia,” but would instead use its enormous influence over its Christian base “to realign their perspectives on sexual morality to conform with more mainstream views.”
Response to the demise of the party has been mixed, with many conservative-leaning GOP loyalists shrugging it off as just another example of “establishment RINOs” delaying an “inevitable conservative takeover” of the party, and arguing that Trump and the MAGA movement have not really sold out because they still kinda-sorta oppose transgenderism. Others have been less optimistic, arguing that “LGBTism is a virulent progressive disease that has proved surprisingly resistant to all past treatment efforts in other hosts,” and that “even the Democratic Party opposed so-called gay marriage and transgenderism as recently as the early days of the Obama regime.”
Still others from the more religiously oriented factions of the conservative movement suggest that Trump’s anti-biblical decision to “double-down” on LGBT advocacy – combined with his legendary boastfulness and grandiosity – makes him look more like an antichrist figure than a deliverer of America. Said one picketer outside of the Mar-a-Lago LGBT celebration who wished to remain anonymous for fear of alienating fellow MAGA conservatives: “It’s one thing to be tolerant of people’s private sexual choices, which is pretty much what Trump said before, but this is different. Jesus totally condemned ‘gay marriage’ when He affirmed true marriage in Matthew 19:4-6. If Trump now says we need to ‘respect’ what Jesus condemns, doesn’t that make him kind of like an antichrist? He’s making us choose between him and our faith, and he’s totally caving on the most destructive part of the progressive agenda. How can America be great again if it accepts stuff as socially normal that the founders would probably have died to prevent?”
In response to that argument, some more liberal Republicans had harsh words. One reporter caught up with a few of them in deeply conservative Oklahoma City, part of a scouting party looking at possible locations for the planned “LGBT Museum of Supremacy and Triumphalism” just authorized and generously funded by the bipartisan omnibus bill. Said group leader Heather (formerly Henry) Bush, “It is homophobes like that who are the worst enemies of true democracy. Their irrational fear and hatred of innocent LGBT Americans who just want to live our lives as who we are – loudly and proudly – disqualifies them from having any place in decent society. Thankfully, now that some leaders in the Republican Party have come to their senses, our country will finally begin to punish these bigots for all the harm they have caused, and to cut them off from the undeserved social privileges they have so terribly abused with their hate speech and their anti-marriage so-called laws. Finally, we see a glimmer of hope for a truly enlightened society where children can freely choose their gender and their number and age of partners – and where loving teachers and community activists can gently guide them to self-fulfillment – without the interference of religious and white supremacist parents, and where the hate-mongers will be in jail or in the grave where they belong.”
In response to all of this, we reached out for comment from the Republican National Committee, which replied simply by return email: “Hey, we’re here, we’re now queer, get used to it.”
And so, it seems, the long asserted appellation/prophecy of Washington, D.C., as “Sodom on the Potomac” had finally come true. All that remains is the countdown to fire and brimstone.